Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Lonely and not in love

I am starting to think that I must be relationship-impaired.

I say this without any intended ego whatsoever, but over the years I've come to observe that I am a loving, caring, genuine person -- far beyond most. I am empathetic and love nothing more than to bring a smile to the face of someone I love. And yet, I continue this endless cycle of entering into relationships where I appear to be giving too much of myself. But for someone with so much love to give.... how does one learn how to stop? I only feel fulfilled when I'm giving my all to someone.... which makes the aftermath of breaking up that much harder to bear.

I suppose it might put amazing stress on the receiving party to feel like he has to try to rise to my level of "giving" all the time... Perhaps this could be the problem. But could it also be that I'm constantly getting into the wrong types of relationships? I have a subtle suspicion that I end up getting together with men who WANT to do better -- who WANT to make me happy.... at least, at first. So they look upon me as a project... in some warped way.

It's a terrible cycle for me -- the woman with so much love to give left unloved. And I even sense that my eyes show the love lost in a profound way -- which will scare future prospects. I lie in bed at night wondering where I've gone wrong -- which segues into what could be wrong with ME. They say love finds you when you least expect it.... to live life and let love surprise you along the way. But LOVING is the way I live my life -- how can I pretend that it doesn't matter?

Maybe I should just get a dog or something?

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