Lonely and not in love

I am starting to think that I must be relationship-impaired.

I say this without any intended ego whatsoever, but over the years I've come to observe that I am a loving, caring, genuine person -- far beyond most. I am empathetic and love nothing more than to bring a smile to the face of someone I love. And yet, I continue this endless cycle of entering into relationships where I appear to be giving too much of myself. But for someone with so much love to give.... how does one learn how to stop? I only feel fulfilled when I'm giving my all to someone.... which makes the aftermath of breaking up that much harder to bear.

I suppose it might put amazing stress on the receiving party to feel like he has to try to rise to my level of "giving" all the time... Perhaps this could be the problem. But could it also be that I'm constantly getting into the wrong types of relationships? I have a subtle suspicion that I end up getting together with men who WANT to do better -- who WANT to make me happy.... at least, at first. So they look upon me as a project... in some warped way.

It's a terrible cycle for me -- the woman with so much love to give left unloved. And I even sense that my eyes show the love lost in a profound way -- which will scare future prospects. I lie in bed at night wondering where I've gone wrong -- which segues into what could be wrong with ME. They say love finds you when you least expect it.... to live life and let love surprise you along the way. But LOVING is the way I live my life -- how can I pretend that it doesn't matter?

Maybe I should just get a dog or something?

Tumultous thoughts

I am lonely.
I am sad.
I want to be happy but don't know how to be.
Do I know what happiness really is? Not even sure.
People come and go in my life, but seem to go more often.
I feel flawed, unworthy, degenerate.
I hate feeling weak.
I only want the best for those around me.
And yet, I cry inside.

Does anyone really wish that for me?

Devastated Diva

I'm being a bit on the melodramatic side, but I got some shocking news today.

I've been indulging in a treat from Starbucks quite frequently lately with my morning coffee. The Island Oat Bar. It looks suspiciously like a plain old granola bar, without the nuts, raisins or chocolate chips. Therefore, probably the healthiest, least saccharine option of the bunch, my mind reasons each morning.

I just found out that this unassuming little devil packs 760 CALORIES and 8 grams of fat into its deceiving little flakes of oats.

Goddammit. That would explain why my workouts aren't making my pants any looser.

**scowling**

Not A Believer

So, to tackle the annoying salt stains, I gave in and bought winter boots -- the first pair of winter boots I've had since I was in grade school, I might add. I've had dress boots aplenty, but never honest-to-goodness winter boots. And I'm not sure I'm a convert, yet. Perhaps I've been dragging my feet all these years in my lighter footwear? Because spending the day feeling like I had lead weights around my ankles was really tiring. Either the heavy boots make me tired, or they make me aware that I'm tired because the dragging becomes more obvious.... I'm not sure. Either way, it's cumbersome.

I see the point of boots to an extent-- no salt stains today. And a few less slip-and-slides. But perhaps that's what keeps me on my toes -- all of these years of teetering and skating along the icy sidewalks in my own version of "all season" footwear.

Ok, I'll see if I adjust to the boots over the next few days. But I'm just not feeling it....

Sweaters for all of DOGkind?

Older European people amuse me to no end. I can't say this blog will be about "Stupidity" because these elderly folk come from the old world and often have the cutest, most bizarre logic.
You know how people justify putting little sweaters on their toy and miniature dogs -- to keep them warm?

Well, today, I saw an Italian granny walking a German Shepherd, the latter with the longest, thickest natural coat of fur I've ever seen. The granny had dressed the dog in what looked to be a fat man's ratty old sweater with the sleeves chopped off.

It was a pretty ridiculous sight... sweater-belly sagging to the snow. I know granny's heart was there and she meant well... but it was just too funny!! And such a blatant contrast to the Guccified, accessorized and coordinated pups owned by so many young women.

Winter Woes

Winter is here in full force.

You know what I hate most about winter?

No, not the slushy streets before the plows get to work, making the car slip and slide.
Not the biting cold that leaves my teeth chattering and my bones frozen.
Not the short days with next to no sunshine.
Not the lack of energy that seems to sweep the population.

I hate the SALT STAINS that coat the bottom 1/4 of every pair of pants I own. They are annoying, they limit my shoe choices, and make me look sloppy and feel gross, no matter how much I try to make them go away.

Guess it's time to finally accept that I live in Canada and buy myself a pair of boots, huh?

Buzzed midday on a Friday

I know alcoholism is a serious illness, but why did no one preach to me about the bliss of being buzzed midday on a workday? I just had lunch with my fabulous boss and am now in a state of euphoria. Good wine over lunch, good conversation. ...Sitting here at my desk is suddenly so much more enjoyable than it was a few hours ago!

Problem is, can anyone tell? I'm trying to keep quiet because I don't want to clue anyone in. I'm supposed to get on the phone and call a few folks...but will they be able to tell? Argh, what should I do?

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been buzzed at my place of work (various places). It's a bizarre thing -- I once drank the remnants of my beer after celebrating some company milestone in the lunch area, while working on my computer. It's a very fun buzz that is great because it's different from the buzzes you get while out to dinner, on vacation or partying at a bar. And also perhaps, extra good because it's somewhat taboo.

What do you think? Workplace wine at lunchtime? Would it be counterproductive or would it boost workers' energy levels because they're getting a little treat midday? I know advertising companies do it.....under the guise that it's for "entertaining the clients" (ya, right!) but I suppose it wouldn't work or be appropriate everywhere....

I'm not a drug-user but it's too bad someone can't find a natural way (I guess wine is as natural as it gets) to recreate this high.

Happy Happy Friday. I know I'm ok because every Friday isn't quite this happy!

Complimentary Gents

I'm trying to find happiness in simple pleasures. But I guess what I'm speaking of today is of the more egotistical persuasion. Hey, every woman needs a little flattery here and there, especially when she's feeling low.

I tend to put on a mask of protection when I travel alone which, save the odd loony-dude, has kept me from being approached or bothered. But in the past couple of weeks, I must be letting my "stare of death" guard down. On two separate occurences, random men have gone out of their way to strike up a conversation with me in the most classy way possible.

Case in point: This morning, I shivered my way through minus 15 degree weather. I was a tad grumpy, slightly tired and definitely cold. When I reached my office building, a young delivery man was standing just inside the main door. "You're looking stylishly warm today" he says to me. I wasn't even sure I heard correctly because I was so blown away. How's that for a tasteful way to brighten someone's day! And a break from the "lookin' good sexy" that somehow seem to be more often uttered by men to women.

And last week, I had a man come up to me in a mall and politely say that he saw me earlier and just had to come up and say that I was very cute. He was well dressed, articulate AND polite. How nice is that?

As much as I rag on men for being hard to decipher and not forthcoming with their thoughts, there are a few here and there who restore my faith.

Betrayal

Ever been betrayed? As opposed to "lied to" or "let down"?

What is it about the word "betrayal" that evokes such serious implications?
What constitutes a betrayal in this day and age? Our history is full of betrayals, be it in non-fictional documentation or literature.

But for something to constitute a betrayal now, today.... does it have to be an enormous and impacting incident?

Or just a deeply painful one?

Daily Stupidity

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store. And what occurred at the checkout has resulted in my first blog post.

For the upteenth time in my life, a cashier poured my coin change into my palm on top of my bills. And I had to juggle and fumble so that everything didn't spill onto the floor.

Am I the only person who graduated from the School of Moderate Common Sense?

Most of us have worked a cash register in our lifetime. And all of us have accepted change back from a transaction before and struggled to balance the receipt/dollar bills/coins in the one hand all of these are piled into. It's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa and you've got no choice but to perform a ridiculously awkward balancing act to get the money into your purse or wallet.

My logic is such that I give people their change into their palm first, before I hand them the bills. This seems to work really well, because the coins are safely secure and the bills are going into a different part of the wallet anyhow.

I've probably had 3 people in my lifetime do the same -- and I have to restrain myself because I want to jump up and hug them with joy.

Do you think we could start a movement? Would it catch on? And most importantly, why isn't this part of any cashier's training -- to learn to give back change in a convenient and logical manner?

That's my Daily Stupidity observation for today....